The other day, my assistant said he wished it would rain or snow. I smirked a little at first, thinking what an oddity. Only my mother would pray for rain (for her garden). But I know exactly what he means.
It’s been a very difficult month for me. One month ago my sister died. I was strong and “fine” for a while. But now I am not.
Then, on the first of the year, my brother’s house burned down. I was not and am not fine.
On top of it, I had usual issues to deal with. Usual for me, anyway. Like my last post about health insurance.
Then this week I got sick. First it was just a general feeling of malaise. As the days passed, I felt worse and worse. Thursday it hit me like a bomb. This morning, I am finally up and moving, without my husband’s help.
I have been avoiding my friends. I barely talk to anyone. I have not been responding to comments on this blog. I just keep pushing through the days. Going to work. Going back home. Going to bed.
So now I am thinking, I wish it would rain or snow. It would make all of these things so much easier to deal with. Ankara is covered in smog. The air filled with pollution. Ankara sort of lies between hills and mountains (and is full of hills) making it difficult for air to move. Everyday we have a forecast of sun. But we have not seen it. In fact, yesterday, I thought I saw a full moon rising in the late afternoon. It was actually the sun setting behind a thick grey cover.
If it rained or snowed, it would help clear the skies, and clean the air. I might see the sun during the day. The birds that flew overhead this morning might actually look black instead of grey. I might be able to come up for air. Who knows, I might even see a star at night and clear my head.
Here in Polatli, and in Konya, too, it is the same. Much of it is actual fog created by the sea on three sides of the country, but coal smoke is a large part of it, plus, I’m sure, auto exhaust in the larger cities (like Ankara). It is very depressing. I’m am trying to find a full spectrum lamp to help me out. I had two of them back in the U.S., but I had to leave them behind. I miss them.
I don’t think the seas are close enough to Ankara to create fog, although we do get patches of fog in the valleys and in open areas on the edge of town. The coal burning is a huge problem. I am told local officials will even donate cheap coal to the poor who squat on land and built cheap housing, in exchange for votes! Who knows what is true anymore. But I sure wish the coal burning would be dealt with appropriately! Do you ever get to Ankara? Surely there must be full spectrum lamps here somewhere. I could ask around if you wish.
my grief was very much like you described. I told someone it was like a great black cloud came into me and filled me so that i could not think clearly, have energy or any wish to move at all. I tried to meditate to bring peace into my heart. For me it really worked. I did not even realize that I was better until after the third or fourth day of meditating. I picked up my urn from Harry and as I held it in my hand the feelings started to rush back. Needless to say I began to meditate as soon as I got home. P.S. it is raining a lot here and just made it worse for me because I too need the sun. Be well sister.
Shame to hear the smog is back in Ankara. When I first visited I couldn’t believe the dark air, then natural gas arrived and Ankara lightened up. It sounds like gas has got too expensive and many have gone back to burning cheap coal.
This is how I had been feeling for weeks, which makes you feel more tired. That is why I decided to go to Antalya last weekend, and it did work. The weather is much better in Antalya … not gloomy at least, and it helped me get some kind of energy again. Could you just go somewhere sunny for a couple of days to feel better?
Great idea! I will try to make a plan. Thanks and best to you!